i'm tired, i'm done, i'm through. fuck life. fuck god. fuck you.

i fucking hate everyone and i cant even explain how tired i am with life. i hate it so damn much. i'm so done pretending to be happy, i'm so over pretending to have a great life with great friends and a bright future ahead of me. I'M FUCKING STUPID. i suck at all the bullshit i try doing and i honestly just wish i could fucking die already. i obviously have no fucking purpose in this pathetic world, so why the fuck am i here in the first place???? why the fuck do i have to live through all of this bullshit and ever get any sort of symbol of it getting better? i'm stressed out with absolutely everything right now. school sucks. i'm never getting my perfect grades back, i'm never going to be the same fucking raquel everyone always picked because she was smart, i'm never going to do any honor society bs and actually excell in my classes. why? because i'm a fucking moron and i ruined it all. my family's falling apart, everyone hates eachother and i dont know what the fuck to do, what the fuck to think. i have a self-centered boyfriend that probably only cares about his damn self. how horrible his cute little life is and how depressed he is. WHAT THE FUCK?! some fucking morons honestly dont know how fucking hard it is to be alone in this fucking world, to not be able to wake up their parents to talk to them...to have them literally tell them THEY DONT GIVE A SHIT. i have to do things. i have to go to school, i have to get a job, i have to do something. in yet he can manage to do absolutely nothing and still be loved by his family so much? WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WRONG? why the fuck can he not appreciate that and stop bitching about his horrible life because it only makes me feel like shit when i think about how mine's a lot worse. and he wants to marry me??? and he wants to move out with me???? obviously not. if he honestly wanted to, he would work and try to prove how badly he wants to accomplish that. he doesnt. he sits there...like always. "thats all he's ever done since ive known him, dont expect to change him." and the sad part is that shes probably fucking right. i love him, but i cant wait forever.  i wont fucking wait. wtf did i do? why the hell do i keep getting all this shit thrown at me???? i'm done. i dont care. i'm tired of doing shit right and never get anything in return. should i just turn into a fucking alcoholic and smoke my brains out????? that obviously seems to be working for everyone else. at least their lives arent as pathetic as mine. i am officially done with everything. i am seriously tired of doing things right and obeying everything only to get douched on by fucking life. i will smoke, i will drink, i will fuck whoever the hell i want to, and i will certainly stop getting worked up with other people.

if thats what it fucking takes, then so be it. i'm done.

Sometimes I wonder if I ask too much. Not just with relationships in general, but concerning life. I wish I could know how everything's supposed to be, or if there really is someone out there that will never crush someone they supposedly love. Or is it just normal for everyone to hurt eachother?

I know I have problems with "letting go" of things, and I just don't know how to get over them. I hold grudges like no other, and I don't know how to get over them as easily as others. I wonder how some people actually manage to get past things that hurt so much. What do they do? Do they honestly just get over it, or just pretend to? How can anyone just ignore such hurtful moments and classify them as okay? I know a lot of people pretend to get over things. Like Justin. He says so many things are okay and that he forgives me for doing so many things, but I feel like he keeps them bottled up instead.And when we really do get to argue, they erupt to the point where he feels helpless. I don't know what to do about it. About myself. So many people have told me I should work on truly forgiving people for what they've done to me, since I'm not perfect. But I can't. I'm such an idealist. I think that someone somewhere out there will make everything better. That someone somewhere out there will never lie to me, will never hurt me. And what if I give up now and completely destroy any opportunity I had of meeting that person? But what if I give up everyone I have now for this imaginary person that doesn't really exist?

So much has happened lately, diary. I remember the first time I posted a blog on here, before I deleted that journal. How old was I? 13, 14? I would give the world to turn my life back and start all over. I'm not happy with so many things that have happened. My virginity. I feel like I may have been too young, but other than that...I love it. I love everything about it. My school....I wish I could go back and fix everything I've done wrong, not that I completely ruined everything, but I just didn't do as well as I knew I could've. I know I could've made top 10. But I didnt, i saw all the retards that always cheated off my papers and begged me to help them standing up there, being what I wanted to be. And i can't do anything about that now. And college? omg, i dont even want to start talking about that. I'm only passing one class. I feel so fucking stupid that my worst fear in hs was being too stupid to be in college, and look what happened. I'm a complete moron. I worked so hard to get all of these nice scholarships and i completely douched all the help i got. It wasnt easy going from paying close to 26k to just 2k a year. NNU's expensive. I know that if it wasnt for all the help i got, there's no way in hell my family could dish out that much a year. I was so happy when i got my last scholarships, and wtf did I do? Completely ruin everything. I got all that money for nothing. i honestly feel like a complete waste of life as of now.

I hate myself.

Cancer (June 21 - July 23)

"Because you're just a fucking dirt-poor Mexican with a shitty family."

And

what

the

fuck

can

i

ever

do

about

that

?????????????????????????

do you honestly fucking think I dont wish i had half the fucking luxuries my damn friends have?

do you honestly fucking think I never wished I was different?

I'm sorry, Justin, that I'm a poor girl and that my family doesnt have fucking castles in England and that none of my uncles have their own private jets. Or that i cant offer to buy you any fucking car you want. I'm also sorry that I'm different, and even though ive hated it all my life...I CANT DO A THING ABOUT IT. i will always be different. i'm sorry.

I must've been a bad fucking fetus to deserve all this.