Sometimes I wonder if I ask too much. Not just with relationships in general, but concerning life. I wish I could know how everything's supposed to be, or if there really is someone out there that will never crush someone they supposedly love. Or is it just normal for everyone to hurt eachother?

I know I have problems with "letting go" of things, and I just don't know how to get over them. I hold grudges like no other, and I don't know how to get over them as easily as others. I wonder how some people actually manage to get past things that hurt so much. What do they do? Do they honestly just get over it, or just pretend to? How can anyone just ignore such hurtful moments and classify them as okay? I know a lot of people pretend to get over things. Like Justin. He says so many things are okay and that he forgives me for doing so many things, but I feel like he keeps them bottled up instead.And when we really do get to argue, they erupt to the point where he feels helpless. I don't know what to do about it. About myself. So many people have told me I should work on truly forgiving people for what they've done to me, since I'm not perfect. But I can't. I'm such an idealist. I think that someone somewhere out there will make everything better. That someone somewhere out there will never lie to me, will never hurt me. And what if I give up now and completely destroy any opportunity I had of meeting that person? But what if I give up everyone I have now for this imaginary person that doesn't really exist?

So much has happened lately, diary. I remember the first time I posted a blog on here, before I deleted that journal. How old was I? 13, 14? I would give the world to turn my life back and start all over. I'm not happy with so many things that have happened. My virginity. I feel like I may have been too young, but other than that...I love it. I love everything about it. My school....I wish I could go back and fix everything I've done wrong, not that I completely ruined everything, but I just didn't do as well as I knew I could've. I know I could've made top 10. But I didnt, i saw all the retards that always cheated off my papers and begged me to help them standing up there, being what I wanted to be. And i can't do anything about that now. And college? omg, i dont even want to start talking about that. I'm only passing one class. I feel so fucking stupid that my worst fear in hs was being too stupid to be in college, and look what happened. I'm a complete moron. I worked so hard to get all of these nice scholarships and i completely douched all the help i got. It wasnt easy going from paying close to 26k to just 2k a year. NNU's expensive. I know that if it wasnt for all the help i got, there's no way in hell my family could dish out that much a year. I was so happy when i got my last scholarships, and wtf did I do? Completely ruin everything. I got all that money for nothing. i honestly feel like a complete waste of life as of now.

I hate myself.

Cancer (June 21 - July 23)