I hate so much about my life right now. I've gotten blown off the entire fucking day. My parents lectured about how horrbile I am, made me cry and feel like shit. None of my cousins like me any more, i feel like I've gotten too far away from everyone. Jeff called, yelled, cussed and insulted me like I've never been insulted in my life. I feel like absolute shit right now. I've honestly never hated my life as much as I do now.

Jocelyn? Doesn't answer.

Brandon? Tells me he doesn't want to talk to me.

Colleen? Busy.

My parents? Watching TV.

My grandma? Reading.

Mariam? No answer.

Sam? Too busy.

Grant? Busy shopping with a friend.

...in that order.

Why do I never have support when I need it the most? Why do these people that "care for me" always have better things to do when I'm desperately in need of help? It's useless for me to even try to get close to a bunch of hypocrites that don't give a shit about me. "Ohh Raquel, I love you." But what happens when I desperately call? I either get no fucking answer or just blown off when they fucking decide to answer their damn phones. WTF. Why the hell do I even bother????? Why the fuck do I even have these fucking godamn people in my life when they don't even care about me??? When they have better fucking things to do????? This happens to me ALL THE FUCKING TIME! I'm so frustrated and angry. I can't believe that of ALL my so-called friends, NONE of them had the time for me. ALL of them had better things to do.  Why do I bother anymore? Why??? 8 fucking people, none of them care. It still amazes me how I have to completely break down to get some fucking attention. Why can't they listen to me?? Why do they do "better things" and ignore me?? It's official. I'm willing to finally accept it- I'm depressed. I'm seriously going crazy. I hate everything right now, nothing seems to go remotely close to how I wish it would. I hate  hate hate hate hateajdhfadshfaksf fucking hate everything and everyone that said they cared and didn't give a shit today. Why?????? Why the fuck does it ALWAYS have to come to this so I can get recognized? It shouldn't have to. I shouldn't have to sit here and continuously call the same people over and over again just to hear "well what are you doing later? maybe we can talk then?" NO. There are no "laters" i will not stand for any more "I'm busy right now, call me back in an hour." No!

 

Why the fuck did i have to do this to myself? My life was going okay. Not perfect, but at least I wasn't completely miserable like I am now. I had a chance to go back and regain everything, but nooo. I decided to be a fucking moron and forgive people when they didn't deserve it. And for what??? To get blown off? Great. Fucking awesome. It's during moments like this that I can never forgive myself for being such a fucking dumbass and ruining our plans. I had my life set out and I fucking ruined it all. Now fucking look at me. I wish I could just die. I know I'd never have the courage to kill myself, but I honestly wish God would fucking just tell me he hates the shit out of me, since that's the problem. Then i can tell him how much I fucking hate him back, how he gave me such a shitty life. How he put a bunch of shitty people on my path. I've yet to meet a good person. A person that will be there for me. A person that will temporarily stop what they're doing. ANSWER THEIR PHONE THE FIRST FUCKING TIME I CALL, and not ask me what I'm doing later, or tell me they have things to do, or tell me they'll call me back. And even though they know I'm going through shit, they STILL decide to do something else! Omg. They STILL have other people to hang out with! 8 fucking people. 8 fucking desperate attempts. And nothing. Fucking nothing! I honestly can't believe I walk beside these people and call them my parents, my friends, my boyfriend. Ha, my fucking boyfriend. I try to hear him out, I try to make time for him, I'm losing my best fucking friends because I think he's more important, because he means so much more to me. I listen to his problems, I see him cry, i try to make him feel better. Why the fuck can I never have any of that back? It's incredibly easy to be a recipient, isn't it? Why can no one make any sacrifices FOR ME??? Am I just not worth it? Or maybe they're the ones that lack the value I've bestowed upon them. Probably.

 

Thank you, douchebags.

---

Cancer (June 21 - July 23)

 

um hey raquel...i dont kno if u remember me but its matt.. we dated a long time ago, i found u on here and was hopin to catch up and talk but after reading ur entries im pretty much just worried about u...it probably wont mean much but u can talk to me anytime, i hope to hear from u hun :-(