I could never forgive Justin for what he did to me. He is such a scumbag liar. I hope I NEVER see him again.

I feel so used. I felt like I've been led on.  He spends time with me, we do things together and then he just says he doesn't want me?!  He has too many good things going for him and he doesn't want me to spoil them. I have no choice but to understand. 

Today is, by far, the worst Valentines Day I have ever had. Yesterday, Grant told me he was going to check out of his hotel at 7 in the morning. So this morning, I got up early and got everything done to meet up with him around 10ish, since after checking out he was supposed to go to the airport to spend time with his sister before she left. He "slept in" and called me at 9. He said he'd be clean his room and have everything ready by 10. Nope. It's currently 12:11 and I'm still waiting on his call. He said he lost his phone, so it's not like I can get ahold of him.  So I've been waiting on him for more than two hours.   I basically got stood up...on Valentines day...by my boyfriend. God, this is fucking pathetic.  Valentines day has always been special to me, until now.  THANK YOU, GRANT!!!!!!!! YOU ARE THE BEST FUCKING BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!

im ahving a gd damn oanic attack and i fucking want to die. my head hurts, my eyes hurt and i feel so horrible. 

Grant, obviously. He's so mean to me sometimes. I love him so much, but I'm seriously getting tired of his attitude and the way he treats me. He doesn't make me happy anymore. I've been trying so hard to quit things he doesn't like, or quit talking to people he doesn't approve of, but I seem to get no credit for it. I'm tired of the way he talks to me, I'm tired of his insults, I'm tired of his screams, I'm tired of the shitty way he makes me feel, I'm tired of how rude he is for no reason, I'm tired of how he blows things out of proportion and later ends up realizing that he really is sorry, but only when it's too late and I've already been hurt.  I told him so many times that I want him to change, that I want him to be the person he used to be, but I don't think that's ever going to happen. I'm not in love with the current Grant, and since it's pretty obvious that's all there will be I'm just considering leaving him for good. I'm tired of the BS drama that always goes on. I'm fucking tired of it all.  

I need to move the fuck out of this house.

The Ataris- The Boys of Summer
Nobody on the road
Nobody on the beach
I feel it in the air
The summer's out of reach
Empty lake, empty streets
The sun goes down alone
I'm drivin' by your house
Though I know you're not at home

I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
You got your hair combed back and your sunglasses on, baby
And I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone

I never will forget those nights
I wonder if it was a dream
Remember how you made me crazy?
Remember how I made you scream
Now I don't understand what happened to our love
But baby when I get you back
I'm gonna show you what I'm made of

I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
I see you walkin' real slow and you're smilin' at everyone
I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone

Out on the road today, I saw a BLACK FLAG sticker on a Cadillac
A little voice inside my head said, "Don't look back. You can never look back."
I thought I knew what love was
What did I know?
Those days are gone forever
I should just let them go but-

I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
You got that top pulled down and that radio on, baby
And I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone

I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
You got that hair slicked back and those Wayfarers on, baby
I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone

I have never cried so much. I have never felt so fucking bad.   I have never reached a point where I feel completely crushed. I can't stop crying. I can't stop feeling guilty.   I want to throw up. I want to scream and punch myself for being such a fucking moron. 

A lot has happened today and I'm not sure what to think. I really have been trying to show I care and do things right, but apparently that isn't enough. Why do you have to be such a douche, Justin? At one point, I loved you more than anything. But I'm truly starting to see the real you.

I am not happy with the person he's become. I want my old Grant back, not the mean asshole. He makes me feel so bad about so many things. We went bowling today and he actually got mad because I didn't do well. He kept telling me how to throw the ball, but I couldn't do it at first so he got mad. It's not that I chose to ignore his advice, like he said. I just can't do everything he tells me to do. I'd gone bowling like 2, 3 times before and I guess it just takes me a while to feel comfortable enough to actually get the hang of it.