i'm tired, i'm done, i'm through. fuck life. fuck god. fuck you.

i fucking hate everyone and i cant even explain how tired i am with life. i hate it so damn much. i'm so done pretending to be happy, i'm so over pretending to have a great life with great friends and a bright future ahead of me. I'M FUCKING STUPID. i suck at all the bullshit i try doing and i honestly just wish i could fucking die already. i obviously have no fucking purpose in this pathetic world, so why the fuck am i here in the first place???? why the fuck do i have to live through all of this bullshit and ever get any sort of symbol of it getting better? i'm stressed out with absolutely everything right now. school sucks. i'm never getting my perfect grades back, i'm never going to be the same fucking raquel everyone always picked because she was smart, i'm never going to do any honor society bs and actually excell in my classes. why? because i'm a fucking moron and i ruined it all. my family's falling apart, everyone hates eachother and i dont know what the fuck to do, what the fuck to think. i have a self-centered boyfriend that probably only cares about his damn self. how horrible his cute little life is and how depressed he is. WHAT THE FUCK?! some fucking morons honestly dont know how fucking hard it is to be alone in this fucking world, to not be able to wake up their parents to talk to them...to have them literally tell them THEY DONT GIVE A SHIT. i have to do things. i have to go to school, i have to get a job, i have to do something. in yet he can manage to do absolutely nothing and still be loved by his family so much? WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WRONG? why the fuck can he not appreciate that and stop bitching about his horrible life because it only makes me feel like shit when i think about how mine's a lot worse. and he wants to marry me??? and he wants to move out with me???? obviously not. if he honestly wanted to, he would work and try to prove how badly he wants to accomplish that. he doesnt. he sits there...like always. "thats all he's ever done since ive known him, dont expect to change him." and the sad part is that shes probably fucking right. i love him, but i cant wait forever.  i wont fucking wait. wtf did i do? why the hell do i keep getting all this shit thrown at me???? i'm done. i dont care. i'm tired of doing shit right and never get anything in return. should i just turn into a fucking alcoholic and smoke my brains out????? that obviously seems to be working for everyone else. at least their lives arent as pathetic as mine. i am officially done with everything. i am seriously tired of doing things right and obeying everything only to get douched on by fucking life. i will smoke, i will drink, i will fuck whoever the hell i want to, and i will certainly stop getting worked up with other people.

if thats what it fucking takes, then so be it. i'm done.

Sometimes I wonder if I ask too much. Not just with relationships in general, but concerning life. I wish I could know how everything's supposed to be, or if there really is someone out there that will never crush someone they supposedly love. Or is it just normal for everyone to hurt eachother?

I know I have problems with "letting go" of things, and I just don't know how to get over them. I hold grudges like no other, and I don't know how to get over them as easily as others. I wonder how some people actually manage to get past things that hurt so much. What do they do? Do they honestly just get over it, or just pretend to? How can anyone just ignore such hurtful moments and classify them as okay? I know a lot of people pretend to get over things. Like Justin. He says so many things are okay and that he forgives me for doing so many things, but I feel like he keeps them bottled up instead.And when we really do get to argue, they erupt to the point where he feels helpless. I don't know what to do about it. About myself. So many people have told me I should work on truly forgiving people for what they've done to me, since I'm not perfect. But I can't. I'm such an idealist. I think that someone somewhere out there will make everything better. That someone somewhere out there will never lie to me, will never hurt me. And what if I give up now and completely destroy any opportunity I had of meeting that person? But what if I give up everyone I have now for this imaginary person that doesn't really exist?

So much has happened lately, diary. I remember the first time I posted a blog on here, before I deleted that journal. How old was I? 13, 14? I would give the world to turn my life back and start all over. I'm not happy with so many things that have happened. My virginity. I feel like I may have been too young, but other than that...I love it. I love everything about it. My school....I wish I could go back and fix everything I've done wrong, not that I completely ruined everything, but I just didn't do as well as I knew I could've. I know I could've made top 10. But I didnt, i saw all the retards that always cheated off my papers and begged me to help them standing up there, being what I wanted to be. And i can't do anything about that now. And college? omg, i dont even want to start talking about that. I'm only passing one class. I feel so fucking stupid that my worst fear in hs was being too stupid to be in college, and look what happened. I'm a complete moron. I worked so hard to get all of these nice scholarships and i completely douched all the help i got. It wasnt easy going from paying close to 26k to just 2k a year. NNU's expensive. I know that if it wasnt for all the help i got, there's no way in hell my family could dish out that much a year. I was so happy when i got my last scholarships, and wtf did I do? Completely ruin everything. I got all that money for nothing. i honestly feel like a complete waste of life as of now.

I hate myself.

Cancer (June 21 - July 23)

"Because you're just a fucking dirt-poor Mexican with a shitty family."

And

what

the

fuck

can

i

ever

do

about

that

?????????????????????????

do you honestly fucking think I dont wish i had half the fucking luxuries my damn friends have?

do you honestly fucking think I never wished I was different?

I'm sorry, Justin, that I'm a poor girl and that my family doesnt have fucking castles in England and that none of my uncles have their own private jets. Or that i cant offer to buy you any fucking car you want. I'm also sorry that I'm different, and even though ive hated it all my life...I CANT DO A THING ABOUT IT. i will always be different. i'm sorry.

I must've been a bad fucking fetus to deserve all this.

I hate so many things about my life. I almost want to say I hate my life altogether. I feel like no one can understand me, or even tries to. I try to talk to them but I always get bs in return. They tell me what I should do and how I should do it. They don't even know what my problem is, though. I have stupid friends that only worry about themselves. I know stupid people that only come to me when they have a problem and when I go to them, they're busy, or they think they have my life figured out. There's so many things about me that only I know. Whoever says they know me the best has no idea of half the things that rush through my head. I doubt anyone really knows me. My life is weird, it's so stupid. Life in general honestly seems worthless sometimes. I keep trying and trying, and nothing gets better. It's always shitty. Trying doesn't matter. Caring doesn't matter. Nothing matters. I don't know if there really is a God, and I sometimes wonder that, if he exists, why I have to have such a pathetic life. I'm in a retarded situation and don't know what to do. Grant and Justin are both great, and the last thing I want to do is hurt either one of them. What if they just give up? I know that either one could easily replace me, I'm nothing special. And even though I feel stupid about it afterwards, I think about the stupidest shit when I'm in this mood. If there's thousands of people that die each day, and sooo many of them are good people and have wonderful families and great lives...why can't He take me? Why does He take good people and leave losers like me to waste space? It's torture. I don't do anything, I don't affect anyone greatly, no one will die because I'm missing. I don't do anything, I never have and I never will.

If God honestly does exist, why can't He take me away from this pathetic life? I never asked to live.  

Cancer (June 21 - July 23)

I hate so much about my life right now. I've gotten blown off the entire fucking day. My parents lectured about how horrbile I am, made me cry and feel like shit. None of my cousins like me any more, i feel like I've gotten too far away from everyone. Jeff called, yelled, cussed and insulted me like I've never been insulted in my life. I feel like absolute shit right now. I've honestly never hated my life as much as I do now.

Jocelyn? Doesn't answer.

Brandon? Tells me he doesn't want to talk to me.

Colleen? Busy.

My parents? Watching TV.

My grandma? Reading.

Mariam? No answer.

Sam? Too busy.

Grant? Busy shopping with a friend.

...in that order.

Why do I never have support when I need it the most? Why do these people that "care for me" always have better things to do when I'm desperately in need of help? It's useless for me to even try to get close to a bunch of hypocrites that don't give a shit about me. "Ohh Raquel, I love you." But what happens when I desperately call? I either get no fucking answer or just blown off when they fucking decide to answer their damn phones. WTF. Why the hell do I even bother????? Why the fuck do I even have these fucking godamn people in my life when they don't even care about me??? When they have better fucking things to do????? This happens to me ALL THE FUCKING TIME! I'm so frustrated and angry. I can't believe that of ALL my so-called friends, NONE of them had the time for me. ALL of them had better things to do.  Why do I bother anymore? Why??? 8 fucking people, none of them care. It still amazes me how I have to completely break down to get some fucking attention. Why can't they listen to me?? Why do they do "better things" and ignore me?? It's official. I'm willing to finally accept it- I'm depressed. I'm seriously going crazy. I hate everything right now, nothing seems to go remotely close to how I wish it would. I hate  hate hate hate hateajdhfadshfaksf fucking hate everything and everyone that said they cared and didn't give a shit today. Why?????? Why the fuck does it ALWAYS have to come to this so I can get recognized? It shouldn't have to. I shouldn't have to sit here and continuously call the same people over and over again just to hear "well what are you doing later? maybe we can talk then?" NO. There are no "laters" i will not stand for any more "I'm busy right now, call me back in an hour." No!

Why the fuck did i have to do this to myself? My life was going okay. Not perfect, but at least I wasn't completely miserable like I am now. I had a chance to go back and regain everything, but nooo. I decided to be a fucking moron and forgive people when they didn't deserve it. And for what??? To get blown off? Great. Fucking awesome. It's during moments like this that I can never forgive myself for being such a fucking dumbass and ruining our plans. I had my life set out and I fucking ruined it all. Now fucking look at me. I wish I could just die. I know I'd never have the courage to kill myself, but I honestly wish God would fucking just tell me he hates the shit out of me, since that's the problem. Then i can tell him how much I fucking hate him back, how he gave me such a shitty life. How he put a bunch of shitty people on my path. I've yet to meet a good person. A person that will be there for me. A person that will temporarily stop what they're doing. ANSWER THEIR PHONE THE FIRST FUCKING TIME I CALL, and not ask me what I'm doing later, or tell me they have things to do, or tell me they'll call me back. And even though they know I'm going through shit, they STILL decide to do something else! Omg. They STILL have other people to hang out with! 8 fucking people. 8 fucking desperate attempts. And nothing. Fucking nothing! I honestly can't believe I walk beside these people and call them my parents, my friends, my boyfriend. Ha, my fucking boyfriend. I try to hear him out, I try to make time for him, I'm losing my best fucking friends because I think he's more important, because he means so much more to me. I listen to his problems, I see him cry, i try to make him feel better. Why the fuck can I never have any of that back? It's incredibly easy to be a recipient, isn't it? Why can no one make any sacrifices FOR ME??? Am I just not worth it? Or maybe they're the ones that lack the value I've bestowed upon them. Probably.

Thank you, douchebags.

Cancer (June 21 - July 23)

I can't believe how miserable I am. I can't do anyhing. I haven't gone to one of my classes in almost a week. I just can't do anything.  I can't focus on anything and I honestly feel like complete shit. I can't focus on anything, I can't do homework, I just can't do anything. There's so much that bothers me and I just feel like I'm so insignificant in this world. I always bitched at Justin for going home from work early because he felt sick, or for breaking down, or for feeling like life just isn't worth it. And now I'm beginning to truly understand how that all feels. I'm such a hypocrite. I hate my life so much.

I miss him so much. And even though he had his bad moments, I don't think anyoe could ever replace him. Regardless of it all, he was always there for me. He started going to school just to provide a good life for me. He knows more about me than anyone else, and he's always been there, telling me he loves me. I love him and I can't do anything about it...and completely cutting him off like that is just so hard for me. I've tried so hard to hate him, I really wish I could...he's given me more than enough reasons. I feel so helpless. He knows everything about me, and no one can pick me up from any situation like he could. I miss how he always sang Hey There Delilah just for me, as stupid as that sounds. And everytime I hear that song I can't help but think of him. ='(

Oh, it's what you do to me.

I hate my life. I've never been like everyone else. I just feel like I've always liked different things and everyone has disliked me for that. I never played with Barbies, I played with bugs and cars. I never went to church, I stayed home and watched Captain Planet.

i feel so miserable right now, i cant stop crying. i'll finish the blog later.

Life is indescribably difficult and exhausting at times. I fail to accept the fact that I will be working hard for eight years simply for monetary interest. But that's life. We sell ourselves to live on weekends.

If survival took nothing, I would spend my life bumming around, taking pictures of everything I feel. Mmmm, if only. If only my soul would escape from its subcutaneous prison and finally be free.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know why I randomly cry all the time. I don't know what to do with a lot of things, and I find myself in a miserable situation with no apparent end. I can honestly say that I hate what life has to offer. I'm usually happy with what I have, but I don't know what to do anymore. I've done a good job of being cheery around people, but it's these random eruptions of hatred and disgust with myself that are slowly driving me crazy. If only I held a script in my hands. That's exactly what I need. I'm too pathetic to find my way throughout my own life; I need someone to guide me.

I feel so frustrated with a lot of things. I’m so insignificant in this world and I’m having such a hard time dealing with my life and problems. I used to imagine that all people had all of these random preoccupations and randomly broke down and had emotional crashes. I’m sure everyone has an occasional outburst of shit, but I’m starting to feel like I’m just weird. Maybe there’s something wrong with me? The breakdowns aren’t even weekly anymore; it’s an everyday occurrence that’s gradually driving me out of my mind. I feel like I’m slowly losing grip of my sanity and life. I would’ve never pictured myself stressed out about the most normal thing: living. I hate it. I have so much to do and I feel like nothing is actually worth much in the end.

Ahh, maybe this is what psychotic freaks contemplate.

Deterioration is a dreadful thing.

Justin's spending the night at Best Buy to get the Nintendo Wii. I miss him so much. Soooo so so so much.  I love him.

He's such a good boyfriend, it's wonderful.  Like, now that he's gone all i can do is think of him.

I love how he looks.

I love his voice, its so cute.

I love how he looks right after he did something bad (like poke my butt!).

I love his confused "wtf" face.

I love how he carries me when i'm tired.

I love how he pretends to have fun shopping with me.

I love how he kisses.

I love how he thinks he can outrun me.

I love how cute he looks when he's sleeping next to me.

I love his hair when he first wakes up.

I love how we beautifully fit together in bed (He has a built-in spot just for my head!)

I love how he cheats at air hockey.

I love how pretty he makes me feel.

I love how scared he looked at Roaring Springs when we went down the Avalanche.

I love how he grunts when i dont hold his hand.

I love how he sings.

I love how he dances!

I love how sexy he looks when he plays his guitars.

I love how he bakes cupcakes. mmm.

I love how he looks when he's working his corner.

I love how smart he is.

I love how he helps me in math and makes me feel like i'm not as stupid as i really am.

I love how modest he is about everything.

I love how he smells.

I just love *everything* about him.

There are times where I've felt like I'm too young to be taking such an important decision. But all I have to do is be with  him and remember all the things we've been through. After that, I can almost swear I have living butterflies inside me, flapping their wings restlessly. It's amazing. Yes, I know I'm young. Yes, I know I have so much to learn. And yes, I know I'm in love...& waiting is pointless. <3 If I want to go out and have fun, I have my boyfriend to be there with me...having fun, too. 

Justin picked me up at 7 this morning and we went to his house. Thereee, we cuddled while PW ran around and ate stuff and destroyed his blanket.  At like 10 we went to this dog walk, it was great. There were like 3000 dogs all over.  I thought PW would go crazy barking at every single little dog he saw, but no.  My baby was well behaved. =)  He barked a lot at first, but then he calmed down.  We saw the cutest little dogs, it was sooo cool. PW had a thing for poodles (waaaay out of his league). We were walking behind a great dane, and pw actually jumped up to try to sniff its butt.  It was so cute.

Justin and I had this BSU tour scheduled right after that, but we decided not to go, since I've been on BSU tours a lot.  Pw was tired of walking so when we got to Justin's house, he fell asleep with us. We slept until PW charged his batteries then we watched The Longest Yard. After watching that we went to BK and to a concert shortly after. 

I've always been scared of Justin's little (can't find the right word). So I really wasn't looking forward to the Mushroom Head concert, I was honestly scared.  I was right... it was scary. But then no one else seemed scared. =/  Towards the end I basically decided there was nothing scary about a pig playing a guitar or a guy with wires sticking out of his head.  I've always associated those kinda bands & people with being violent...and they kiiinda are.  But it's not as bad as I thought, I guess it just depends on how much you want to get hurt. =) I thought I'd be just sitting paranoid in one corner..probably praying and crying.  But I wasnt! I am so proud of myself for not getting so freaked out. It was loads of fun.

I love being with Justin so much. He's  just so fun and adorable...especially  when he does this  >_<

Ahhhhhhhh.

He makes life great.

<3